One year has passed...

I can't believe that it has been a year since I last published a post. It is so much easier to pin it on the quickness of time than the laziness of my mind. Nonetheless, it has been a good year. Here are my blessings that need to be counted:

1) My 3rd and last summer. My obsession with the #3 is often visible in the things that I do or did. Every summer was nothing less of a dread but the good news it that it is over and I'm not going back. Moving on to greater things that God has for me.

2) Graduate Assistant at the Advancement Office. To define it simply, it was a data entry job. It kept me afloat with a pay of $9.50 an hour.

3) Fall Classes: International Advertising, International Marketing and Import/Export. One thing that I've learned is that having good teammates is not necessary key to the success of the project but it is a requirement if I don't want to do 70% of the work again.

4) REAL Group: First experience with going to Gateway's lifegroups. Terry and Michelle were just awesome hosts. It was indeed a fun time. Got to know quite a number of people but none that stick closer than a friend, sadly.

5) 29th Birthday: Woke up to a gelato ice-cream cake, kolo mee (HK Style) and a glass of soy milk. Not my typical breakfast but hey, I'm the lucky one with a girlfriend who is unpredictable. We went to Grape fest and did the stomping. The night ended with a luscious dinner at Reunion tower. Thanks, BB.

6) Gateway Worship's Life Recording: Awesome night. The cd, Wake Up The World is out. Ash and I got 10 because we were in it. I saw Don Moen too. Sadly I didn't get to meet him in person since I was packed in with the other 2500 worshippers.

7) Thanksgiving 2007 @ The Holmes: God I love turkey, stuffings, green bean casserole, sweet potato pie, and all that a good American thanksgiving dinner has to offer. American food has grown roots in me. Ashley debuted her "White Fungus" as one of the desserts that many of them were intrigued by the taste yet disdained by the name that we came up with.

8) Del's wedding: Flew and didn't sleep for 36 hours to get straight back to Brunei for my tinhead's wedding. Corn and I put up quite a show for him. Sadly the buck night was a disaster because we thought that he could hold more than 2 liters worth of hard liquor.

9) Corn and I's suicide mission up Mt. KK: Perhaps you can call this mid life crisis. The 13,500 ft. mountain was not kind to two idiots who failed to get in shape. For once, I have to thank my pride as it overcame my deeply-sored and cramped legs to stand on top of the highest mountain in South East Asia to watch the sunrise at 6am.

10) Meet the parents: It went well =)

11) Singapore trip: Met my Mui, June, my cousins, Nick and Bern - all whom I haven't meet for a long long time.

12) Annette and Harry @ Houston: Two of the my most loved and cherished couple. I do miss their four boys too. But it was really good to see them after so long.

13) Valentine's at Hot Springs, AK: A relaxing weekend. Was expecting more from the highly acclaimed hot baths.

14) 2nd Year Anniversary at Medieval Times: A good and costly experience to be treated like royalties (somewhat).

15) Job Search 2008: On my quest to find the job that God has for me. This is a junction in my life where things are about to get interesting. I am excited to see what God's plans are in my life.

Another noteworthy blessing is my church, Gateway (www.gatewaypeople.com). The sermons by Pastor Robert Morris has been phenomenal and mind-blowing. I am glad to be enclaved in a spiritually rich environment again.

My two selves, compromised.

I have been brewing over the personalities of my two selves for days; on and off since the day I became a Christian. What is the difference between nature and nurture? Does it really matter which is which? I do not know if this is something that came with age, but I was able to differentiate myself into two distinct personalities. To keep the labels of this two personalities simple in comparison to their explanations, I’m calling one a Christian and the other Human.

Over the past few months, I have been caught up in a rude awakening of how morbid our business/working world is. We live in a selfish world and we can’t complain about it because we are that source of selfishness. Some would call that selfishness, self-preservation. But are we not allowed to be selfish? The Christian will say that he is to sacrifice as Christ had sacrificed Himself. The Human counters with the fact that people lack appreciation and only betrayed that act of kindness with more demands and expectations. The Christian explains how we are not to combat evil with evil, and be the salt and light that the world needs to see. The Human quickly brings out his limits and retreats into silence. Life is not fair. Fairness is never achieved because no one is willing to sacrifice his or her self to preserve the self of another. So what is deemed ‘Fair’? If no lies exist, will there ever be a mutually benefiting situation?

Over the past few years, I have been suppressing the pangs of unforgiveness. I live life through a set of principles that I will never break even if my life is at risk. Thankfully, there was never a situation where my life was put up for stakes. The cost of being so dedicated to these principles is the credulity that everyone else should abide by these principles. The Christian (always the first to speak) will promote mercy as all have fall short of God’s glory. The Human demands justice as there were no evil intents on his part. The Christian reminds himself of God’s love and how he is also not worthy of forgiveness. The Human isolates himself from the triggers and resolves to be in a state of vacuity. We can never forgive naturally. Humans lack the ability to erase hurtful records. Science proved that though humans are forgetful, they will never forget those memories that have strong emotions attached to them. God has the heart to forgive billions while most of us lack the heart to even forgive one. Jesus did it as a human. All we’ve got to justify ourselves are excuses and memories. If only we can have selective amnesia.

Over the past 16 years, I have refined the concepts of friendships and relationships. My perception is contingent on the conclusion that no bond is sustained without commonality. I keep my friends close and my enemies non-existent. If one has potential to be an enemy, the cord will be broken before it arrives at that stage. Among my ironclad set of principles lies the ambition of being a true friend. Since I was 13, I had made the commitment of laying down my life for a friend as it was written in 1 John 3:16. At 13, my concept of laying down my life is to dive in front of a moving bus and push my friend to safety while I am sent flying upon impact. Laying down my life did not include laying down my pride, interests and belongings. Though I was ready to be a hero if the preprogrammed situation arises, I was still a sarcastically spoilt brat who lacks the consideration to be appreciative. I was young and naïve. The Christian reads about how Jesus laid down His life for a friend. The Human feels that Christ would die for all, not just for one. The Christian seeks after God’s unceasing love for him and all doubts are cleared upon discovery. The Human has never embraced such love in his life and that experience has taught him to love. I have sought penance by doing things without the expectations of any response. Sometimes I find myself going to the extent of making myself look desperate before I give up on efforts. It is a way to combat my pride and fulfill my regrets. But how far can I go before my Human consumes the Christian within me. I will not say that I have personally adhere to each of my principles 100% because I have crossed the line and made opponents out of acquaintances. The struggles run deep and the battles on-going.

The Christian preaches God’s unconditional love and tries to mimic that love. The Human believes that unlike God, he is full of limits and carnalities. The Christian is determined to be a living example of God’s word as he is the only bible that some would ever read. The Human says that it is easier said then done especially in the presence of those who seek evil. The Christian reminds himself of God’s love, wisdom and strength. The Human feels the need to retaliate. The Christian reminds the Human that while we are yet sinners, Christ died for us, and brings the Human on his knees with the fact that it is God who is in control, therefore, “Fear Him”!

"The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else."

Oswald Chambers

Again NCN: Again New Cell Number

(469) 471 - 2003

It didn't cost me $15 to change it to a local Dallas number because T-Mobile messed up a few stuffs on my account and to compensate, they offer me a free change. So here it is, my new number again. This will be valid until January 2008, until my one year contract is up :)

One thing about blogging... after I didn't blog for a while... laziness kicks in. I am waiting for blog revival.

The Summer of Mrs. Jones 2006

Can't find my ID card. They reused my photo from last year which I undoubtedly refuse. I'll find it eventually and post it up.


Bookman: Victor John Su (C200610)
I am not one who has a great deal of confidence in my own limited self. However, I do have a source to tap into whenever I lack such necessity. Again and again, God has proven Himself to be more than just reliable. All I can say is that one will never truly know God and realize God’s plans for him if he never put himself in a position where God can manifest Himself completely. Whatever that I put my hands on, I am to do it in faith and with the integrity that God has enabled me to have. It is true that I have hopes, goals and expectations to meet, and battles, temptations and failures to overcome, but I have made that choice to surrender them before God and with Him, I was therefore able to exceed and be victorious.
I was born and raised as my father’s only child. Much of my needs and wants were provided for. Majority of my families and friends have labeled me as ‘spoilt’. For a great length of time, I was indeed proud of the life that I had. As I choose to release myself from being financially dependent of my father, I come to face some of my most overwhelming adversities. I became all alone. I had too much pride and was caught up with finding ways to make it on my own. In desperation, I became a bookman. I had never worked this hard in my life and never been more certain about God as well. With the passing of each summer, I realized more and more that I am Victor, a son of God who created the Heavens and the Earth and without Him, I am just my father’s ‘spoilt’ son.

Event: Summer Bookselling

It is one of the toughest jobs that only a few can sustain themselves to endure to the very end. The best part of this job is that it is only for the summer and not for the whole year. Doing this for the second time around, I had my fears going through it all again. The fear of rejections and failures can never truly be overcame once and for all as fear always return stronger and bolder. However, it doesn’t mean that I myself have not become stronger and bolder to tackle this new challenge. Indeed I have for I did not forget my lessons as forgetting them would lead me to my demise. It took a while for me to regain my momentum but it did accumulate eventually. I began to strive for new ways to do things more effectively to save time and energy. This is a summer of fine-tuning my senses and enhancing my skills. I sought after as much advices as I can get and utilize any extra time to analyze what I did to find ways to improve.
Working hard is always a tool of success, but if we learn to work smart, we are able to achieve our success sooner. I quote and agree sincerely with a fellow bookman of mine, “Bookselling is about meeting the right people, at the right time and with the right books”. The art of bookselling rest upon our ability to: i)find those that are interested and kind; ii)anticipate and take the calculated risk of time and opportunity; iii)and compliment the products with the customers. The skill of bookselling resides more in: i)controlling ones’ emotions, ii)retaining a positive attitude, and iii)telling one’s story. There were definitely times when I felt that I had conquered it all and solved all the hidden mysteries, but I stand to be prayerful because one requires more than skills to acquire the customer’s favor, time and need. To compensate for all that we cannot control, there are three options: 1)pray, 2)gain experience or 3)both.

Destination: Robeson County, NC
The largest county North Carolina has to offer. I drove on average 110 miles a day and spent $120 on gas a week. I started off at Rowland, then to Fairmont, Maxton, HWY 74, Pembroke and finally the City of Lumberton. Most of the people that I have met were Native Americans. It truly opened up an extraordinary cultural experience and what I enjoyed the most was seeing the faith of those that I spent my time with. I had never truly spoken or knew of any Native American except the little that I was educated from movies and American History. The foods that I had consumed were mesmerizing. Thinking about them easily leaves me salivating. The flavor of the food served were not only differentiated by Indian cooking, but seasoned with godly love and generosity. It is not often that you are able to visit places while being given the opportunity to be assimilated into the culture and homes. These experiences are not just coincidental, they are life-changing. A county, like any county, consists of people, houses, institutions, etc. But what have set my experience of Robeson County apart from the other counties are the people that did more than just became my customers; they have instead become my friends and families-in-Christ.

Duration: May 23rd, 2006 to September 6th, 2006
It is hard to imagine how much my body and mind can handle the heat, the thunderstorms, the ferocious pets, countless fire ant bites, the pressure, the rejections, the 12,000 miles of driving, 1,378 calls, 687 demonstrations, and 1,126 hours for a period of 106 days. 106 days felt so long and each day seemed unending. No amount of rest was sufficient and there was never enough of it. Just like a race, I was only focus on reaching the end. I am also appreciative of my friends who have been a constant support and encouragement. Their support and words meant more to me than what I can express in words. There were days where it seemed as though the whole world is against me. It gave me peace to know that I am still loved by those who faithfully believe in me. My greatest humor was the fact that my parents were advising me to not work as much as I did, which was contrary to how they used to nag on me about anything. It has been another worthwhile accomplishment for me and a testament of God’s faithfulness in my life.

Housemates: Schmichael Chen & Wan (Abby) Abraham
a.k.a.
Da Navigator

Apart from his burmese eccentricity, I am amazed by his ability to stay in a house until pass midnight. It was suspected that my dear friend was having an affair especially when he brought some delicious food back consistently night after night. It's just teasing on my part, but commendable on his persistency to close the last door everyday. The funniest experience with Schmichael for the summer was perhaps the exploding mexican sausage. That was memorable.

a.k.a.
Mr. Pretty

Abby is a very simple person and as a housemate, he's a comfort. I have to apologize for unconciously bossing him around and applaude his patience with me. He's always very 'semangat' about doing a lot of things and never back down on a challenge. Instead of Mr. Sexy, he's known as Mr. Cheek on Phua's butt to me. That was hilarious and proof of his commitment level. Thanks for the curries, the driving and the mediation.

a.k.a.
The House

Took us about 4 days to find a place in Laurinburg, NC. Small town, and little options. We could have paid a lot more but thank God, something we can afford. No furnitures and full of pests that bites. We had to fumed it 3 times and the fire ants in the yard are immortal. Nevertheless, no break ins, no leaks, and no harm done. 2 minutes away from Walmart, it was a very good choice.


Rookies: Ivan, Mei Hui, Eunice, Xin Yuan, Amelie, Darren, Amy & Phua

The young and innocent. None of them were able to comprehend the experiences that they will encounter. Some have labelled it worthwhile while some choose to focus on the negative. It is inevitable. Nothing is perfect as we ourselves are imperfect. Nothing is completely acceptable because we are constantly changing expectations and perspectives. It is enriching to see how different we are when we are faced with simillar situations. The rookies this year was craving for fun and strength to overcome their new found chanllenges. I believe most of them have matured a lot more and it was indeed a joy to be apart of that process. Not everything is painless. But I believe they have gained a lot more than what they can ever lose. Press on Rookies, it is never the end of the world yet.

Managers

They say that when newly-weds smile, everyone knows why. When rookies smile, it's their innocence. When managers smile, it's for self-comfort ;). Nothing is attainable without battles. I highy commend those who have the courage to embrace the known fears. Even when this job is a necessity for some, it takes more than just a decision; it takes devotion. But of course, being experience you always have the ability to slack. The competition that exists does not only determine the survival of the fittest, it also determines the tenacity of one's inner self. My advice: "Treasure and build upon the experience that we all have paid heavily for every summer. It will help us build steps that will take us closer to our dreams." I appreciate Kenny for being a supportive manager. Thanks to Yen for helping me stay on the edge and the weekly challenges.

Supporters

We all have to fight our own battles. But they never say that we have to do so alone. I am grateful for my friends and Ashley.
I called Sharon before the summer began. She said that she was very excited for me. I wished that I was able to share her feelings for myself but being excited was no where sensible. It gives me great strength when I know that there are those who firmly wish for and believe in my success. If I were to be successful, I do not want to enjoy it alone. I called Sheau Huei to learn the skills that I lack, Sean and Ace to hear their encouragements, and Jonas and Ko Fen for comfort. I spoke with Ashley every night for prayers and affirmation. I won't be able to achieve what I achieved without these individuals. Thank you for being a part of my success.






Lastly to the family that made this possible, thank you for the opportunity and nasi lemak.





Survivors

Leaving San Francisco...

SAN FRANCISCO
1994-1996 and 2003-2006

A great part of my most memorable moments are within its hills and shorelines; challenging moments. In a cumulated span on 5 years, San Francisco has been a valley of dry bones and the wilderness. However God did send the wind and breathe life and met me during my days of wild honey and locusts. It seemed like just yesterday when I dreaded through my miserable days at Lincoln; tasted the bitterness of the separation of my guardians; walked the shores of Ocean beach from at 1am for three hours seeking without avail the face of God; cried streaming tears and forsaking it all for the cross thinking that my parents will disown me in the walls of the apartment City Center Oakland; slept fearlessly and coldly on top of a pool table at Holy Ground Fellowship church; lived in a 8 by 6 office floor by night and made cold calls by day in Santa Clara; scammed by a British Indian buyer who has a counterpart in US that sent my bank a counterfeit check for the purchase of my car, and pleaded with me for the balance which Bank of America graciously made available to me the very next day even when the check has not clear, chased by Bank of America for the balance taken out and lost from the scam; forced to sell and depart from my beloved 95 Celica GT convertible to settle my debts with the bank; denied by the INS of my H1-B forcing me to leave a stable job; feasted on leftovers as my main providence; confined in loneliness and stagnation; and intimidated by the history greater ordeals faced by those surrounding me making my anguish just a peeble in comparison. Nevertheless, there was a tomorrow for me during those days through the companionship of Michelle and Eric; the joy of graduation; my father's gift of a new 96 Eclipse; the agape love of Eva and Dave; the In-Christship of Jack, Nae Nae(pris), Noelle, Ken, little David, and Ah Mann(christy); the friendships of Lynne, Mary, Newton, Toshi, and Katherine; the charities and prayers of Tsang family, namely Auntie Agnes, Chellis, Mandy, Lem, and Diana; the soups of Fan Ee; the movie hops with Calvin and Paul; the retreats and trips; the practices with Crystal Sea worship team; the shelter provided by Michelle and Valerie; the jackmobile; the aid of Angela, Melanie and Ruben from work; the games and players of Asian Basketball Connection; the laughters and needs of youths, namely Dylan, Ryan, Keily, Daniel, Lily, Peter, Edwina, Lina, Angela, and Nancy; and the weddings of my three sisters. God did not break me to a point of demise, but He refined. Through that, God let me know that He is never what I expected Him to be and that when has He brought me so far, He will never leave me stranded.

As a chapter closes, a new one has opened. It's time for me to say Good-Bye San Francisco...for now.

I asked... She said...

Ash & Vick (oilpaint version)

There was once a time that I said to myself that I would be a one woman man, determined to love only one girl once and for the rest of my lifetime. As noble as that wish may have been, I realized that it is not for me to determine if that was a possibility. It takes two hands to clap. I was three encounters short of being more mature about the concept of relationship. I won't say that I have finally reached my Everest or that it'll be smooth journey from this point forth; all I can say for now is that I am a man under God's grace and a man in need of God's wisdom to embrace the real meaning of a Godly relationship.

Here's the summary of events.
The encounter began with a glimpse.
Casted by the guy, blown away by the wind.
Months passed without words or sights.
First there was just a sentence offered by the girl.
And next came the guy's request.
Then there was that first ring that multiplied into uncountable minutes.
Months existed before the first meeting.
A time of thanksgiving indeed as it spread over days.
Upon separation, intensity built up; cultivating an increase in prayers and godly counsels.
There were nothing hidden beneath the dawning of a new relationship.
Characters, hopes, desires, hurts, and ambitions discussed without prohibition.
Instances of emotions hindered the flow, but as rocks in the path of a flowing river.
The peace of God was assuring yet faith need to be applied.
The support of the counsels was comforting yet initiative has to be taken.
Months existed before the second meeting.
In an embrace, I asked...
With a smile, she said...

I would be lying if I said that everything has been as calm as the sunset. But with God's strength, there is the promise of a new day after dark nights. I have learned that differences and disagreements have to co-exist with similarities and complements. Being in a relationship, it is a commitment to commit. However, God determines the timing and the path where we can walk upon. Without His directions, couples often get lost and walk separate ways. It is true that one should not venture into a relationship if it is not geared towards marriage, but it is more true that God is the one who decides. When we think that we are in control, we tend to go in a different direction than God's. Yes, it is so tough to be in a right relationship that often it is more comfortable to be single. But what worth is there if no price is paid? What scares me the most sometimes is how easily we are to justify our situations because of the power of love or could it be the power of foolishness? Solution - Stay close to God and be accountable to a godly couple. It's tough but it's even tougher when you are lost.

The most common question I get is 'What do you like about her?'. This question seems to stretch deeper than its obvious intent. My answers literally determine the validity of my decision. To put it simply - everything. To put it righteously - God allowed it. To put it casually - We click. To put it filially - She's Chinese. To put it socially - It is time. To put it usefully - I can silence my nagging relatives. To put it effectively - Two is better than one. To put it satiably - She cooks wonderfully. To put it patriotically - She's Malaysian. To put it religiously - She loves God. To put it selfishly - I can exercise my chauvinism. To put it biblically - I can know more about God through her. To put it honestly - I can't ask for better. To put it physically - She's slim. To put it emotionally - I need her. This can go on forever but the person I have to convince the most is her, so these should be sufficient for the readers.

It has been three years since I last venture into a relationship. My fears include past guilts and hurts. A relationship is not the answer or solution to my fears. I believe that it is when I've learned how to trust God with every aspect of my life and to surrender my fears to His perfect love that I am allowed to be in a relationship with Ashley now. I would love to be in control and plan things foolishly as it is within my nature to go around in circles, but please pray for me and my relationship with Ashley - that it may stay within God's path of life.

Lord, may Your Will be done in us.

Email to my form-mates of St. Andrew's School.

I guess back 11 years ago, 12 years for those of us who left early, 'a blink of an eye' may seem to be over-rated and undermining to describe how far we have come. For most of us, there are definitely more to come and much more to accomplish. For those who have left us, it is beyond sadness.

Being back in Brunei this time around has become rather nostalgic. I could barely remember the names of the roads and took longer than usual to get to the common spots. Nothing much has changed. It's still Brunei, never-changing. At least I did not forget where St. Andrew's School is. Walking by the steps where we once ran just to make it in time for assembly, climbing up the stairs and down the spiral column where we dreadfully strained our youthfulness, and passing by the classes where we bathed in forgotten knowledge and unforgettable mischief, it was a good life. Our playful minds can only encompassed the future to the extent of finishing our tertiary studies, marriage and work were kept in the corner being suppressed by our optimistic views of life. Of course we took the time to dwell in our need for relationships, the joys and the hurts co-existed. As I looked around the walls of buildings where I spend five days a week at(I actually forgot that we had no classes on Fri), what were missing besides every single teacher that taught us(except Ms. Ong, still Ms.), is us. We left with so much life and breath to give for this tiny world that we have perceived in our imagination.

This world is definitely not as small as we had imagined. It introduced time and distance to us.

2005 was supposed to be our 10 years reunion. I believe all of us knew why our childish promised was not fulfilled. It's a memorable innocence. It's an impossibility as well. We were once full of faith and never carried any doubts. However, I don't believe that a reunion will not happen. It is just a matter of time and technology. Where there's a will, there will be a way. You will be informed in future =)

Those who I failed to catch up with, stay alive pls...

Let's keep in touch,
Vick

Aaron Su

Happy Chinese New Year....

Well... belated ;) It has been a blessing for me.

Will be back in USA next week!!! Here I come!

Two days in Japan

Love Masami & Stephen

Love the food

Love the culture

Love the people

Love the garden

Love the sukiyaki buffet

Love the weather

Love the adventures

Love the language

Love the trip... Domo Domo!
Lost my sunglasses... paka paka!












Enjoying this while doing this ->

Thank you, Masami and Stephen for making it a memorable trip. Congrats on the wedding in May. Again, I do regret not being able to marry you two...hehe, not there yet ;)

Varsity 2005 Banquet

You don't have to be the best, but you've to definitely do your best!!! =)

Chi & Pris...This I swear is Destiny fulfilled =)

Fateful Matrimony & Heartful Union

Jack Liu & Michelle Poh – known since Dec 1994.
Mr & Mrs. Liu – known since today =)



Michelle… a dear sister who share some wonderful moments growing up in America.  We both reached this foreign land at the same time, and underwent its suprises and fears.  I was in and out for the past 10 years but I am glad that our friendship maintained its firmness.  I was the one being taken care of this 2nd time around.  I’ve yet to regain the necessary responsibilities of being the older brother.  I guess I’m grateful that Jack came back into the picture. ;)

Jack… a faithful friend who chauffeured those enjoyable suprises of being in a foreign land to me.  The first time we went skiing, camping, basketball, etc.  Those moments spent diminished the fears.  Jack’s friendship is expressed more through actions than words.  We don’t talk much but we share similar questions, doubts and funs.  We are cool as long as he’s taking care of my dear sister, which I believe without doubts that he will. =)

Love you both and could never imagine not being there for this blessed day - I stand to be proud and happy today…

Patience on my knees...

The world is a different place altogether when I see it with my eyes closed and my knees on the ground.  Its silence array draws me to a place of emptiness.  Questions are right on the tip of my tongue yet they fail to become substance.  Answers are desired.  However it is known - patience on my knees.

Were there not mountains that were once conquered?  
Were there not greater distance travelled?  
Were there not deeper depths sunked?  

Yet I am stilled…

Spelu(something)king - a weird term for Cave Hiking/Exploring (http://www.caverntours.com/MoCavRt.htm) 

Jack & Chi before marriage 

Summer of Mrs. Jones 2005

May 15th to August 31st. 108 days. 14 weeks. An ID picture that's... questionable!

We often ponder on how things unfold in our lives; how each intricate encounter leads you to another. Who is the one who is weaving all these threads together? As strong as we think we are as humans, we are brought to our knees as to predicting the future. Restrictions are set before us. I would love to say that I am the one, the divine author of my own life. As long as I put my mind to it, it will be done. But I rather not set myself up to carry this responsibility but to surrender it to God. Again, is this just a religious textbook response? That depends on whether you know me as an individual who is full of irrelevance or have I proved my life with substance? God made me, therefore I need God.

The summer has been a time of total reliance on God. Man can give you the necessary training, advice and support, but when I am out there, I am all alone. I determined where I want to go, who I want to meet, how I want to do it and what I want to say. If there was just a merely ‘I’ out there bathing myself in the hot sun in a foreign land, facing rejections that would last a lifetime, shouldering personal and group expectations, and preserving my ethics and integrity, ‘I’ would have lost. I and God made it through this summer. But my sources did not just come from God alone. I fed off the perseverance of the rest of my peers; their persistence and enduring spirits. I fed off the successes of the few, knowing that possibilities exist. I fed off the guidance of many; their experiences and wisdom. I fed off the voices of my loved ones when I called back home. Those are my special meals, but what I drank as water is God!

One of my greatest joys is to be among my own people. MALAYSIA Boleh! It is like eating good curry for me. It is hard to find good curry or rather, good Malaysian food in the entire USA. But when I find it, I enjoyed it eventhough I can’t quite endure spicy food as much and most importantly, tasting it, brought me closer to home. Home is a place where I am accepted, wanted and loved. It is where I can truly be myself without being scrutinized by those who do not share the same background as I do. Nobody fully comprehends you outside of home. When you are outside of home, people tend to make you fit into their box and because of that, many of us are pressured to ‘fit in’. Being home, you have your own room(identity), car(freedom), friends(people who understand you) and parents(people who love you no matter what). Things suited you instead of you being pressed to blend in.

My eyes and heart were opened up to a lot of things. I actually cried one Sunday because God spoke and assured me of His promises. The main thing is that I cried. The last time I remember crying instead of just shedding a tear or two is 1994. It was an emotional breakthrough for me. Nevertheless, it has nothing to do with any of the Mrs. Jones that I should give any credit to. It is about God being real to me at that very moment. Another thing that stirred me up within is being in the homes. Within each home, despite how blunt our senses are, we are able to feel its nerves when we stay there long enough. The majority is rather sad and really helped me appreciate my own non-perfect family. I have chosen to learn instead of judge, and also to pray with them when the opportunity permits. Indeed there is more to receive than to give when I refrained from the pleasure of closing. The churches that I have visited has both enriched my spiritually and caused my heart to grief. Only few have enriched and that includes those in ministerial positions. I can only pray that God will have His way in fulfilling the needs of those who are holding dearly to His calling and in correcting those who are shamefully living as Pharisees. As Apostle Paul had said, without love, any actions are in vain. Again, there is more to be convicted about than to judge when I refrained from seeing it through my own eyes. I am never able to cast the first stone.

What have I learned aside from what were written in my journals? I have learned to appreciate my past, and that with unceasing perseverance, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Each experience is a stepping stone for the next experience. Just as one door will lead you to the next, it is up to me to keep on knocking so that I will get to the door where there will be treasures unknown. It has enlightened me to know that I have to go through numerous rejections before I am able to get to the right one. That is just life, more strive than glory. If I had allowed myself to stop and be butchered by my emotions, I will never find what I am looking for or get to where I need to be. This has no doubt made me strong – emotionally and spiritually. Despite the savory soul food, I did not change much physically, thanks to the mobile sauna that I have been driving around in all summer.


To the rookies of 2005,
The rest of your year or even tomorrow is no doubt affected by today. Yet, it is not for us to feel as though we have done it all or unable to do anything more. Feelings are just feelings; they do not dictate your life. There is no point holding on to past glories or failures. We all need to move on and face greater challenges. Good bye Doubt and Fear!!! (God, I’m glad that I don’t have to sing that song anymore). Do say good-bye to them. If you need help, do consider what I have used throughout this summer that worked for me – God, my belief factor! It has been a pleasure knowing you all and thanks for bringing Malaysia to me.


To the managers of 2005,
Thank you for your patience and guidance. My foremost thanks go to Kenny Lee Kok Wah. Thanks to those who have given me advices, namely Sheau Huei, Stanley, Woei Hsian, Geok Thye, Yen and Kevin. And those during Sales School - Schmichael, Ching Ching, Juliet and Hon Boon.

Varsity 2005 Summer Journals

Week 1

The goal this week is to give it my best and to truly enjoy what I am doing. I made it a point to be positive about what I am doing and acquired a sense of ownership of the town that I am working in.
Being a bookman has its rough beginnings. Many had told me that their first natural assumption is that I am a Mormon or a Jehovah Witness. Perhaps that was why I had a few closed doors and rejections before I was able to introduce myself. However, the welcome of the majority has overpowered those minor rejections. Andrews is truly a friendly and warm town.
My interactions with the families have given me a sense of ownership, and I have grown attached to its gentle soul through its delicious food and delightful embraces. Despite my fears of how uncertain the following week will be, I choose to have faith in God and His guidance to lead me into willing homes. And I do pray that my impressions of this loving town of Andrews will not be changed. This week has been a blessing and an undeniable display of God's grace.


Week 2

The theme this week was faith. Last week was a blast and my hopes were to be consistent in my sales. However faith is never an easy lesson because my days were less promising that the previous week and I was brought to face my limits. They say that the higher you are, the harder you will fall. Needless to say, I was doubtful of myself and God. But the question still existing - Can I afford to give up?
Obviously not. For the journey has just begun and there are greater battles ahead. I shall continue to run and to fight for despite how the week of the figures are, of how disappointed I am with myself, my God has shown Himself faithful in all things. I shall be faithful to continue running as that is my part.
One of my challenges this week is encountering individuals who would take a great interest but were unable to afford its price. There were some who were honestly incapable but my distress comes from those who are able yet offered excuses. Nevertheless, I shall pray that God will direct me to those who needs what I am offering and enable it to enrich their lives so that the blessings are mutual.




Week 3

Andrews is slowly running out of warm doors. After 3 weeks, I have finally moved to a neighboring community. At first there was a sense of detachment but on the other hand, it was time to move on. Some of my call backs this week was more than disappointing, but despite it all, I still have to love. I believe in my products and have faith that it is more than beneficial buy the commitment and decision lies behind the doors. There are some who are willing to open their doors while the rest close them. Is it my loss or could it have been theirs? Nevertheless, at least I know that I've tried and extended the opportunity to them. I still have to love. I keep loving so that I will eventually get to encounter those who will truly appreciate it. Once that happens, all the disappointments will dissipate and there is a great sense of joy and accomplishment. I somehow got a taste of how Christ felt through this experience on this job. I am not trying to be religious but it was enlightening to see the similarities. Christ first loved us before we ever knew Him. We all have to jump across hurdles to get to the finish line. I'm focusing on the line.



Week 4

Humans are never predictable and such facts are hard to face sometimes. I can try my best in analyzing their behaviors and actions, but still, I would be either at a lost or a gain. Thank God I had more to gain than to lose.
One of my many challenges is to judge the validity of my customers' response. Some are sincere yet the time invested result in futility. That was hard to accept and would bring about psychological discouragement. However it is a never-ending lesson to better myself in accessing their responses. I am able to increase my percentage of success but failures have proven themselves to be inevitable.
I have also discovered that there is only one hindrance in this job. The people that we meet are actually the constant because people are committed to their inconsistency. Our own perceptions are the variables. If I think too much, I may never get to move forward. Every door is a challenge and an opportunity cost. Therefore I shall focus my best while leaving the rest to God.



Week 5

Sales went down this week due to a transition to a new area. I am once again faced with my initial fears and strived to adapt myself to the new surroundings. It was not easy as the environment itself has been cruel. However I can't control the weather but to adjust myself to endure greater challenges.
Staying calm and avoiding emotions are two of my greatest obstacles this week. How I wished that I would be accustomed to such adversaries naturally? My personality prohibits it and I am faced with an overload of objections. I was plagued with the success of others while I grew more and more clueless of my own failures? What am I lacking? I needed things to make sense but often, things don't. I am reverted back to the basics and it is indeed humbling to be brought back to the fundamentals.
Needless to say, I shall gear myself to encounter the following week. There is no turning back or any time to regress back to doubts. I believe in my God within me.



Week 6
Everyone has a limit and most of us are hanging on the thread. We are often bombarded with overwhelming thoughts and became vulnerable to the slightest obstacle. What is keeping us sane and how long can we last? God did not create us as weaklings. We are his precious creation and out limits are unknown. However we give up too easily and fail to endure long enough to see our true potentials.
My week has been peaceful and I was at ease most of the time. A sense of urgency can be damaging if I let it take control of me. I am encouraged by the people I meet and constantly am suprised by the outcomes of every sale. I get confused in my own judgement and narrowed to a conclusion of giving it my best at every presentation.
I am here to realize my potential and to let God use me for His glory.


Week 7

My goal was to increase my sales through active organization. I did my best in restructuring my approach towards how I run my day in the field and it has truly benefited me greatly by just being more organized. Apart from the reliance upon the favor of God, I had to do my part in making sure that all my approaches are effective. I shall utilize both will-power and faith to achieve my goals.
I aimed for my highest and achieved it in perfect praise. God has His ways of affirming my faith in Him and as long as I am committed to do my best, He shall never fail in letting me have the best of Him.
Despite a zero sales day, what I achieved was truly a miracle of God. Not by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of God.


Week 8

Waking up at 4am on a Saturday morning was not part of my plans to prepare myself physically for the most exhaustive day of the week. I am pondering on the cause of my awakening; it felt like something exciting is going to happen without my mind having any premonition of how my day/week is going to end. It is 4:51am now, a mixture of fear and excitement. Needless to say, I need to go back to sleep.
Week after week, I stand amazed at what God can do and how he opened up the doors for me. I rest my faith on one true fact, "if it is God's will, it will happen"; and if not, I will accept it in humility. Apart on realizing my own potentials, I often need to put myself aside to see God's potentials. At the end of the day/week, I know that I could never have survived on my own.
Victory is not an achievement, it is a state of mind. We accept our failures or assent to their abuse because we allowed the thorns of worldly standards to be our crowns. God made us winners since birth, and whether we are winners or not, it depends on what we wear as crowns and who we believe is God.



Week 9

With the passing of each week, there seems to be more and more questions left unanswered. Certain things just don't make sense and logic became scarce. Who have the answers and the solutions? Among it all, I am left with the word, "Patience"; all I can do is wait for the answers to befall upon my life on God's perfect timing.
I felt as though I am doing everything wrong as I was not able to maintain my sales and logically, I was unable to identify my hindrances. Could it have been my pride that had caused me to sway away from my simplicity or could it be that the time has come to unwind? I choose not to believe that and am devoted to finish my summer with a triumphant spirit. As much as I yearned for the days to pass, I am giving in to achieving more and pushing my limits.
Perhaps some questions are not meant to be answered in just one week, therefore I shall continue to surrender my mind and rest my thoughts on God's promises instead of letting them fall prey to the success of others. God's Will be done.


Week 10

Believe factor, stamina, back to the basics, and working hard are common words of motivation. However, they are all limited and can only stretch as far as our body can endure. The most important question is, how much do I believe in myself?
We do not have a problem with belief. It could be a belief of self, of defeat, of success, of the system, etc. We need and desire to believe. Even failure is a worthy belief for those who are discouraged because in such times, we all want to hold on to something; either a fact or an excuse.
Eversince I began the program, I've been holding on to a belief. That belief is not of self as that would have made my summer a rollercoaster of emotions. Our environment will definitely get harsh and storm clouds will move in. During crucial times, what matters the most is what we choose to hold on to. We need to know that we are holding on the something that is reliable and unlimited. Once I made up my mind to hold on to it, I will never let go because I have tasted and saw that the Lord is good. And because I have held on, I was able to reach beyond what my limited mind and body can ever accomplish.
God is my belief factor!



Week 11

The end of one journey only brings about the beginning of another. As I looked back, I give thanks for what God has done and I rejoice for what He has yet to do. What have I truly learned? I've learned that my God is reliable and that He has been more than what I can ever comprehend.
One of the many enlightenments that I have throughout this summer is that we are so vulnerable to our external circumstances. And being aware of that, it basically means that I have to gear up for its occurrences and embrace myself for the sudden impacts. We can never be truly immuned to rejections and the harsh words of our customers. It hurts more when we encounter the other sides of those who were once, our kind and loving families. How easily they loved us and how easily are we also rejected.
It feared me to imagine how I would be like if I were in their shoes. It could very well be a reflection, but I choose not to open up my doors to such negative impacts and shall retain my integrity to the best of my abilities, and by God's convictions. I do wonder if I'll be missing them. There will be those that I will never forget.