I have been brewing over the personalities of my two selves for days; on and off since the day I became a Christian. What is the difference between nature and nurture? Does it really matter which is which? I do not know if this is something that came with age, but I was able to differentiate myself into two distinct personalities. To keep the labels of this two personalities simple in comparison to their explanations, I’m calling one a Christian and the other Human.
Over the past few months, I have been caught up in a rude awakening of how morbid our business/working world is. We live in a selfish world and we can’t complain about it because we are that source of selfishness. Some would call that selfishness, self-preservation. But are we not allowed to be selfish? The Christian will say that he is to sacrifice as Christ had sacrificed Himself. The Human counters with the fact that people lack appreciation and only betrayed that act of kindness with more demands and expectations. The Christian explains how we are not to combat evil with evil, and be the salt and light that the world needs to see. The Human quickly brings out his limits and retreats into silence. Life is not fair. Fairness is never achieved because no one is willing to sacrifice his or her self to preserve the self of another. So what is deemed ‘Fair’? If no lies exist, will there ever be a mutually benefiting situation?
Over the past few years, I have been suppressing the pangs of unforgiveness. I live life through a set of principles that I will never break even if my life is at risk. Thankfully, there was never a situation where my life was put up for stakes. The cost of being so dedicated to these principles is the credulity that everyone else should abide by these principles. The Christian (always the first to speak) will promote mercy as all have fall short of God’s glory. The Human demands justice as there were no evil intents on his part. The Christian reminds himself of God’s love and how he is also not worthy of forgiveness. The Human isolates himself from the triggers and resolves to be in a state of vacuity. We can never forgive naturally. Humans lack the ability to erase hurtful records. Science proved that though humans are forgetful, they will never forget those memories that have strong emotions attached to them. God has the heart to forgive billions while most of us lack the heart to even forgive one. Jesus did it as a human. All we’ve got to justify ourselves are excuses and memories. If only we can have selective amnesia.
Over the past 16 years, I have refined the concepts of friendships and relationships. My perception is contingent on the conclusion that no bond is sustained without commonality. I keep my friends close and my enemies non-existent. If one has potential to be an enemy, the cord will be broken before it arrives at that stage. Among my ironclad set of principles lies the ambition of being a true friend. Since I was 13, I had made the commitment of laying down my life for a friend as it was written in 1 John 3:16. At 13, my concept of laying down my life is to dive in front of a moving bus and push my friend to safety while I am sent flying upon impact. Laying down my life did not include laying down my pride, interests and belongings. Though I was ready to be a hero if the preprogrammed situation arises, I was still a sarcastically spoilt brat who lacks the consideration to be appreciative. I was young and naïve. The Christian reads about how Jesus laid down His life for a friend. The Human feels that Christ would die for all, not just for one. The Christian seeks after God’s unceasing love for him and all doubts are cleared upon discovery. The Human has never embraced such love in his life and that experience has taught him to love. I have sought penance by doing things without the expectations of any response. Sometimes I find myself going to the extent of making myself look desperate before I give up on efforts. It is a way to combat my pride and fulfill my regrets. But how far can I go before my Human consumes the Christian within me. I will not say that I have personally adhere to each of my principles 100% because I have crossed the line and made opponents out of acquaintances. The struggles run deep and the battles on-going.
The Christian preaches God’s unconditional love and tries to mimic that love. The Human believes that unlike God, he is full of limits and carnalities. The Christian is determined to be a living example of God’s word as he is the only bible that some would ever read. The Human says that it is easier said then done especially in the presence of those who seek evil. The Christian reminds himself of God’s love, wisdom and strength. The Human feels the need to retaliate. The Christian reminds the Human that while we are yet sinners, Christ died for us, and brings the Human on his knees with the fact that it is God who is in control, therefore, “Fear Him”!
"The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God you fear everything else."
Oswald Chambers
